Bootstraps and roses… from a larger piece I’m writing

One of the hardest things, personally, that I had trouble adjusting to when I first came to Hellenic practices was to push away those ideals and concepts that culture – in my case Western Culture – holds about the gods and goddesses. Certainly with enough research and reading it became easier as the stories of their deeds took hold in my mind, yet there are times when those initial “one note” descriptors come to mind. The hardest for me for a lot of years was Aphrodite.

I think a lof ot that is because of public perceptions. So many represent her as a nightie wearing flirt who gambols and frolicks and inspires physical love. In so many media representations, and even in many a spell and circle, it is about sex and sex and then some more sex. For a demisexual with a low sex drive and much more interest in the mind, it was hard for me to connection with someone who even in many of her stories is shown as a goddess of physical love.

In truth isn’t wasn’t until after years of pushing myself beyond my limits, using myself up for the sake of others, that I began to truly connect with Aphrodite in such a way that, with time, she eventually had a shrine of her own in my space. What it took was a single phrase that had come to me through social media connections. The concept of self care.

Self care itself varies from person to person, and for many it’s about taking a day for themselves, pampering themselves as they see fit. At it’s core though it is a concept most have a lot of trouble with, and I know I did until only recently. Self care is about taking care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. It’s about embracing yourself as one of the most important things in your life, and treating yourself in the same ways you would others. In fact better than because you can’t be there for others until you’re there for yourself.
When I first heard about self care, I likely snorted and had every plan of being dismissive of it. Right until I heard that voice in my head that made so much in my life snap into place. It was Aphrodite, and it was through her, through self care, that I came to realize that Aphrodite isn’t merely about sex. She is about all kinds of love. Of platonic love. Of friendships that become so deep that they go beyond sex. She is love for yourself, all of yourself, and realizing that the greatest love affair you can ever have is with you.

we weave our stories out of our bodies

Recently I began taking a look at where I am. Not the place I live, the job I’m in, but me. I realized I’m not happy who I’ve let myself be. I gave up on my frills and frippery. I lost the ability to see peace and magic in everything.

The latter, sadly, I think is a necessary evil in many ways. My eyes were opened to the pain in the world, the wars being waged on who and what I am, the imbalance in the world wherein one sect of the population has become the norm, the “superiority”, the masses while in the minority. In opening my eyes to how bad things have gotten, I was forced to give up some of that innocence that I embraced so much of my life. Yet I realize I’ve gone too far.

Pain. Illness. Fear. Fighting. All of it took so much of me so that I haven’t been me, I’ve been only the fight. Whichever fight it is. It’s time to reclaim who I wanted to be, who I was, and who I can be.

I’m going to remember the softness and femininity I love in dress. I want to have back my moments of embrace the simple beauties. I want to write my soul, and read to tears. I want to giggle over kittens, and paint for Hera and Aphrodite. I want to celebrate what my gods have given me.

It means taking time away from the things where all my focus has gone. But five minutes of picking outfits, five more doing my hair. A moment each night of thanks and reflection. Soft edges, sharp lines, pastels and kohl black and peacock feathers and cephalopods. It’s embracing me as much as the fight. I deserve my time as much as anything or anyone else.

Divine worship and chronic illness: Or do I have the spoons for this

Two things I make no secret of online is that I am both Hellenic Polytheist, and someone enduring a chronic pain disorder. I don’t keep seperate blogs for anything I speak about because I believe in the school of thought that it’s all about me and it’s the good, the bad and the ugly.

Now, something I don’t make obvious all the time is that I am not a reconstructionist. I am a revivalist. I am not trying to recreate the historical worship, but working to create my own space and path of worship based on the historical ways, and adapting to my life. Part of that is dealing with a full time job, a second job, a college student, as well as balancing in friends, self care, and my religious path. My chronic illness is, I admit, a part of why I practive revivalism not reconstructionism.

That said, some days it’s not that easy, and you learn as with all things how to adapt to overcome your illness in relation to your religious path.

I do try, health permiting, to leave a supper out on the dark of the moon in honor of Hekate. I keep shrines to four Gods (Hera, Hermes, Hekate and Aphrodite), as well as one to all of the Theoi. I will at least have words daily though some days I eat so little food, and do so in such a stupor of pain, I do not always remember to put aside that offering portion.

As with my self care, as well as work and everything else I do, I have found that being flexible is absolutely key to not driving yourself mad. Of course talking it out with your deities is helpful as well. There are days when I know, just know, that I damn well better drag myself out of that chair and make formal prayer. I know some days that I can’t put off my offering, no matter how pain filled I am. Then there are some days I realize that if I don’t make those stars tonight to sprinkle on Aphrodite’s altar, she’s okay with that.

Adapting to my gods is part of my self care, and I’m glad for all I can still offer just as much as I’m thankful for all I’m given.

Day 4: Today’s self care was fandom

After a day of not doing much of anything, of just sitting about and hanging out and just letting my body heal and cope, I got the enjoyment of having new shows for the fall season. So there was Gotham, which I will definitely give a second chance. Had some good and some bad, enough to make me want more. Then there was the return of:

which will always give me joy, and definitely set a mood for the evening that left me feeling better than I had. And another new show I will definitely add to my weekly list.

I’m working hard to exercise more and eat better, to do the things most needed to heal myself and overcome what I’m living with and how my life is. That doesn’t mean I will give up fandom. Escapism is a good thing, after all.

I need to learn one important life lesson

Giving into my illnesses is not giving up.

This has been the hardest thing for me. Due to life, the difficulties in my life, I am constantly doing things. Between the actual need to get things done and the pressure that I’ve had through my life to keep going, keep doing, don’t slow down, giving into my pain and illness is hard.

I feel the need to be doing. Work. Writing. Cleaning. Tagging rp. Devotion. Crafting. Push push push. From noon until four in the morning, it’s what should I be doing now?! What should I be doing next?

I need to learn I don’t have to do this. I can take time for myself. I can just sit here and watch tv without doing three other things. I can go to bed early, or sleep in ten minutes. I can give up time from doing fancy hair, or heavy makeup, or do them both because it makes me feel better, but I can take time for myself.

For years I was told I was making it up, it was all in my head, it couldn’t be that bad… Now I have validation, proof from a medical professional that I’m not making it all up. So I pushed, kept doing everything because there was no excuses, no answers that came from this pain because I was making it up. Now that I have an answer that can be listened to, the first person that needs to listen to it is me. I need to learn to accept that taking care of myself isn’t quitting, giving into the pain isn’t giving up.

Because I feel it needs to be said

Not everyone lives on a 9-5 schedule, and neither do they work on a 9-5 their sleeping and waking schedule. Some work 2nd shift, or even night hours. Others have actual sleep disorders beyond depression that mean sleeping during daylight hours just isn’t going to happen. Getting proper sleep, not too much or too little,  and doing your best to function in between those hours can mean more than going to bed by midnight and getting up by ten.

Not everyone is capable of being outside. Whether they have phobias of being out in nature, or are sickened by it, or have physical ailments that keep them from going outside, it isn’t always safe to assume that what everyone needs to function is time in sunlight and nature. Vitamin D is important. So is taking care of your other physical ailments.

I’m not downplaying or belittling those for whom this works. I’m merely reminding others that they needn’t feel they’re failing because thereschedule and physical needs aren’t the same as others. I know it happens to me sometimes when I see challenges and encouragements that I can never do or function on, and I start to wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Except I’m not. Sometimes what’s right for others isn’t going to be right for you. Remember that.

30 days of self care

Started on my new medication today. Seems to NOT be causing drowsiness, at least not extreme, though did make me a little hyper. Hope that evens out over time, but better than sadness and ugh.

Starting on this #30daysofselfcare today with a picture of the items I use to get myself through the day. Matte red that lets me feel done up and yet don’t have to reapply all day. Moisturizer. Coconut water for hydration, and vintage gloves to protect me from the sun. Good music. Spotify is a gift from the gods of technology.

Self care box

So I finally got around to making my self care box. I wanted it to be small and slim enough to carry in my purse, and I finally found this gold box and set about filling it with what I found most needed.

It includes letters and cards from those dearest to me. A pendant from someone I love. A spoon so I always have just one more. Dice that calm me. Lip balm and amber. Also paper strips for making stars and a few different worry pieces as well as prayer beads to help me focus and calm.

I admit, I’m glad to have it done and with me, and it’s part of me trying to get back on track and find focus again. Hoping this helps.

Cookie cutter expectations

So I’m doing this self care worksheet thing and I admit, I’m kind of ugh about it now. I know one size doesn’t fit all but I’m side eyeing the fact that both playing with children and spend time with nature are included in such a way as not seeming to accept that for some neither of these activities are self care, or even healthy.

And then got to the work section and gave up and threw it out.

Seriously though, putting aside my emotions about the whole nature and health thing, and my rants on people accepting that just because it’s nature doesn’t mean it’s healthy for everyone, this is about the kid aspect.

Despite what society and the media would want us to believe, not everyone is good with kids. Not everyone has a desire to be around them. For some children are a stressful and negative experience that will only add to their daily negativity and the troubles they experience in their life.

I’m aware this is a societal belief here in western culture. I know that the media, our families, and most of society pushes people to embrace children and parenthood with the same gusto that we embrace fried foods. To not want children is either lies or experiencing trauma. If you don’t like being around children you’re heartless and cruel.

It’s a sickening obsession that we don’t believe a person knows themselves well enough to decide what they feel is best in their life. Society insists that women that don’t have children will change their mind, they’ll come to regret the decision if they don’t, and they’ll become barren and shriveled up old maids if they chose this path. To not want to hold the baby is often met with gasps and shocked stares. To not embrace one’s motherhood…

And in writing this it was that moment it hit me. It is yet another case of internalized sexism. I am betting this little worksheet was developed with women in mind, with the assumption that it would be women filling it in, and that, of course, as women playing with children would help their emotional and mental well being.

Let me just heave a heavy sigh now and go back to fighting the patriarchy.

Self care, self love, negative people

My life is filled with negative people. Despite what some tell you, it isn’t always easy to remove negative people from your life. You work with them. You encounter them in random encounters. They’re family. Sometimes the best thing you can do is pick and choose your battles, excluding those you can but, in the end, you still have unwanted negativity in your life.

I’ve come to the point in my life where I want to remove that toxicity from my life. A lot of it, and I can admit this, comes from me. I’m a cynic, a sarcastic bitch, and as I’ve told some before, the only person I know with low self esteem and a superiority complex. I look at the world through negatively colored glasses.

It’s a hard thing to change how you look at the world, and how you speak of it. It’s easy to get frustrated with people, to muttere under your breath and let the negativity of a moment darken your entire day. Part of my self care is changing this.

Yet it’s hard. It’s hard when you have family members that treat others like shit and claim that tact is actually insulting people even when what they’re calling not holding their tongue is actually an excuse to insult and belittle people. It’s hard when people you interact with due to work, or even a social activity, is rude, and insulting, and then gets passive aggressive when you’re hurt by their treatment.

This is the things I’m teaching myself to overcome. I’m teaching myself to turn away, to not respond, to not let myself be hurt long term by the cruel barbs of someone who likely doesn’t even care they’ve hurt me. I have people that care, who are there for me and do their best to try and help me through life. That’s is what I need to focus on. I have to put my best into those that want the best for me and to do my best to avoid those that would only use me to elevate themselves.

Even if it means losing rp, and listening to music and tv shows to get through work. Whatever it takes to try and get rid of the negativity in my life that is so often weighing down on my shoulders.